Much of a Muchness

03:03 pm

i have not been here for a very long time.

07:12 am - go away

i miss stuff.

Current Mood: blah

02:35 am - yadda yadda yadda

transition is a bitch

Current Mood: drained

08:17 pm - i've been taking too many quizzes

Les Miserables!!! It's so moving and
leaves you in shock and some of the songs give
you chills and almost make you cry! Oh it's so
good!


Which Musical are you?
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Walk Through The Fire...


Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
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Spike.


Who's your male Buffy soul mate?
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70-100%
Congratulations! You're a Buffy season 3 super
star! You're either a complete Buffy lover or
a Giant Season 3 fan. Either way you've done
really well, keep up the good work!


What's your Buffy Season 3 IQ?
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What Season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer Are You?
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Your Animagus Form is a Wolf!


Harry Potter:: What's Your Animagus Form?? (with pictures!)
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Welcome to Ravenclaw!


Your Hogwarts House (Harry Potter)
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Current Mood: frustrated

04:31 am - funny stuff is funny

Incredible! You know the male species like the back
of your hand. You must have a family and social
group filled with the little pigs. Any guy
would be extremely lucky to have you as a
girlfriend. He'll know it, too, as you'll be
getting "I love yous" and drooling
kisses galore.

Ladies, how much do you really know about us guys?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: tired

05:52 pm - tra la la

What Your Underwear Says About You

You buy the sexiest underwear you can find, and always have something hot on underneath your clothes. You're sexy, in that pinup girl, tease sort of way.

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Your Outrageous Name Is

none of yer business

Your Fortune Is

Stop doing blogthings. Go eat a cheeseburger.

Current Mood: naughty

02:29 am - catholics and suitcase-pugs

just got off the phone from a two hour long conversation with a dear friend. he's being stalked -- and the mode of manipulation is an interest in catholicism, which is a very big part of his life. how weird. how fucking weird. i get it, in a way. not the catholicism itself, of course, but her illogical logic. she's found his achilles heel and sunk her teeth in. manipulation. control. power. seems like for most everything, it's all about the power. fuck. perhaps that's an uncomfortable lens through which to see the world. i only see that marxist perspective when i get into over-analytic mode, though. and i don't seem to go there so much anymore. that's something.

back to my friend. and the stalker. i feel bad for her. (for the stalker.) she's been wading through some life problems for the last few years. but i also wanna throw a punch and tell her to stop messing with my friend.

(and apparently i've become good at throwing inappropriate -- but that term may be worthy of debate -- punches.)
('cos sometimes they get the job done. like with that mascot at the roller derby bout in august.)

i wish i could step in and do Something to actively help my friend.

he likens me to fred, from angel. i liken him to xander and call him my yellow crayon. *sigh...* :)

that's on the east coast. on the west coast, another dear friend was walking someone else's dog today. a little pug thing "so ugly that she's adorable." that's a direct quote, btw. for the first time i finally understand the appeal of those pug things. via text message, i renamed the dog Suitcase. via text, i was just informed that everyone's now calling her Suitcase.

Current Mood: touched

10:25 pm - right n-o-w

i'm sick again. grr-arg. caught a cold in nyc at the dairyland dolls/ gotham girls bout (go mrd!). flew home super congested, and the muscous train did a li'l dance and created even more havoc. that was, erm, last week? the week before? the days have begun to blur together. i don't wanna actually look at a calendar or count back to 19 august, 'cos then i'd have to admit that my days really are blurring together. just as i was getting over that cold, i get sick again. grr... my allergies are in overdrive already -- maybe that's why i'm catching everything under the sun. or maybe i need to stop licking random handrails.

practice kicked my ass today. i felt like i was skating through molasses. was almost glad when i started to sneeze like a sneezy mcsneezybear at the meeting after, 'cos at least it helped me understand why i felt so off earlier. i was gonna stop to get ink for the printer on my way home, but i spaced out on the beltline and missed my exit. ended up way out by that greenway station thingamagoo. by the time i was turned around and near my location (again!) i was too exhausted and runny nosed to stop. even too tired to stop fer smokes. i'm kickin myself in the ass for that last one right now. why didn't i stop for smokes and nyquil and ink? was really such an inconvenience? hell, maybe i won't smoke the whole chimney tonight and won't huff and puff through practice tomorrow. hell, maybe i'll sit out tomorrow and let my body rest up.

i've been so tired recently. i think i need to eat more. devoured a cheeseburger at tonight's meeting. yumyumyum.

my cat's creepin up to me. i feel so bad for him that my house is so messy. he needs a pet.

life is funny. i was thinkin about that today.

i wish i laughed more.

i wonder where i'm going. i'm not overly anxious to find out, not overly anxious to arrive wherever the hell it is that i'm going. but some part of me would like a snapshot. that's it. just a random pic from my photo album of 2010, of 2020... no captions. no info about who's who or what's what in the pics. just a glimpse. really, is that too much to ask? like in kindergarten when i was walking by the gym and saw all of the chairs set up for that night's band concert. i remember being in awe and wondering what it would be like to be so grown-up and in fourth grade and playing in my own band concert. i can't think of anything like that anymore -- can't think of any specific thing i know i'll experience and wonder what it'll be like. well, funerals, but i don't wanna put those on the list. i can't picture anything in the future at all. it's a bit liberating, it's a bit terrifying, it's a bit new. i've spent so many years remembering the past or anticipating the future, it's about time i lived Right Now.

The Future scares me. and i don't wanna think about The Past. does it count if yer living Right Now by default?

RIGHT NOW:
* my ankle's hurting less than it used to but more than it once did.
* my lips are chapped, and i'm dehydrated.
* i'm wearing tights with skulls on 'em.
* i'm wishing i had more cold meds.
* my hair is pulled tight into buns. sorta hurts my scalp, but not enough to take 'em down.
* i'm so glad i'm not in school.
* !! must remember to give jewels the photo disks tomorrow.
* i need to do laundry.
* i'm trying not to veer towards ebay.
* i wish buffy were still on tv. new ones, i mean.
* i wonder if it's too late to take sleepytime style meds and not feel hungover in the morning.
* i'm nervous i'll sleep through practice in the morning.
* i'd like to be able to get taken on a motorcycle ride without worrying about all the ragweed zooming into my sinuses. (sini?) or my ankle. or just worryin'...
* i want to be able to wear shoes other than my strappy red mary janes.
* i wonder if i'll ever really really feel like i can trust the world again.
* my nose gets itchy when i breathe.
* i'm not looking forward to clearing the crap off the couch (so i can stretch out and sleep).
* i wonder, again, who actually reads this and why and what they think or don't think and why and how and other words.
* how can i only have two cigarettes left??
* i wish i knew where my thermometer was.
* i wanna see the penguin movie again. no. no, i don't.
* how the hell is it september already?

Current Mood: lonely

11:48 pm - go kate

Katharine Hepburn You scored 28% grit, 14% wit, 42% flair, and 23% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women. Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

Current Mood: quirky and independent

03:19 am - geeks can be smart, too...

wrong. wrongwrongwrong. wrong.

Pure Nerd 82 % Nerd, 30% Geek, 30% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in either of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

03:04 am - insomnia still sucks

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:
Birthday:	26 april 76
Birthplace:	chicagoland suburbia
Current Location:	madison, wi
Eye Color:	hazel
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	5'5'
Right Handed or Left Handed:	righty
Your Heritage:	mom&dad, their moms&dads, their moms&dads...
The Shoes You Wore Today:	never put shoes on today. didn't realize it 'til just now. weird.
Your Weakness:	sprained ankle. i mean, whiskey.
Your Fears:	dying at home. being found three days later, due to the smell. my cat nudging my corpse and meowing for food. oh, that, and mice.
Your Perfect Pizza:	hot and in front of me right now.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	skate my ass off
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	buncha buncha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	oh god
Your Best Physical Feature:	my personality
Your Bedtime:	late. when i finally fall asleep
Your Most Missed Memory:	*currently stuck in nostalgic ennui*
Pepsi or Coke:	COKE
MacDonalds or Burger King:	MCDONALDS
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	CHOCOLATE
Cappuccino or Coffee:	triple latte w extra shot of espresso
Do you Smoke:	YES
Do you Swear:	FUCK, YEAH
Do you Sing:	y
Do you Shower Daily:	no...
Have you Been in Love:	y
Do you want to go to College:	not again
Do you want to get Married:	y
Do you belive in yourself:	y...
Do you get Motion Sickness:	sometimes. more often if pregnant. bleck.
Do you think you are Attractive:	sometimes. often. never. mayhaps.
Are you a Health Freak:	in my own way
Do you get along with your Parents:	not currently
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YES
Do you play an Instrument:	sometimes. sorta...
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	YES
In the past month have you Smoked:	YES
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	i don't know. yes. sorta. probably. yes.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	i don't know. yes. sorta. probably. yes.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	no. wait, yes. crap.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	oreos are gross.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	unfortunately, no.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	n
In the past month have you been Dumped:	n
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	n
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	n
Ever been Drunk:	y
Ever been called a Tease:	y
Ever been Beaten up:	unfortunately, no. not really.
Ever Shoplifted:	y
How do you want to Die:	in my sleep, surrounded by fat grandchildren. but i won't. *sigh*
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	roller derby diva
What country would you most like to Visit:	russia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	not blood shot
Favourite Hair Color:	shut up
Short or Long Hair:	not 70s rockstar long
Height:	not so tall you crane yer neck kissin when standin
Weight:	i don't wanna see ribs. or get crushed.
Best Clothing Style:	not fratboy
Number of Drugs I have taken:	too many to count
Number of CDs I own:	who actually knows this number? who spends time counting 'em? bleck.
Number of Piercings:	now: 2. total, some closed up: 7.
Number of Tattoos:	1.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	...
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Current Mood: grr-arg

Current Music: random nick@nite junk

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01:49 am - insomnia sucks

Current Mood: discontent

05:09 am - cookie-me

i just dropped j off at the airport. i thought i'd be crying now. i was wrong. i felt tears starting up in the car on the way there; batted them away. felt a wail stirring in my stomach when i drove away; kept it at bay. then i just started thinking. bestfriendlousyfriendexboyfriend. first love. owner of my cat's heart. can tear me down to pieces or build me up to the sky with a single word or look. vampire jokes. whiskey sour, pabst, two shots of whiskey. penguin decor at mickeys. bouboubou. pip pip. cherry berry. bizarro family circi. buffy singin. that gomeroke birthday song. chicago. up north. hawaii. hawaii... oz. band of brothers. curb. penn-ampersand-teller. tardy loves ashtrays. burgers. connect five. (pretty sneaky, sis.) rummy. chicken nuggets.

those fights. those tears. wishing we'd never met. eternal sunshine. how did i put up with it? how did he? the friendship shouldn't have survived. or, rather, the odds were stacked against it.

when everyone had gone he stayed.
no one stays. he did.

doors close. windows open.

buffy to xander: "you're my strength. you're the reason that i've made it this far."

a piece of me is on that plane. but where i thought i'd feel that horrible, aching, hollow pit there's warm memories. and there's tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. i have no words.

it's nice to have a scythe. slayers, every one of us.

buffy: "i'm cookie dough. i'm not done baking. i'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is i'm going to turn out to be."

mmm... what would i do without my buffy?

Current Mood: nostalgic

03:42 am - whoops...

the other night, i drank much whiskey.
(not uncommon)

the other night, i punched a boy in the face.
(uncommon)

all in all, an interesting evening...

Current Mood: derby-in-my-veins

01:54 am - ISO bridge over troubled waters...

A winter’s day in a deep and dark December... I am alone. Gazing from my window to the streets below, on a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow... I am a rock. I am an island.
I’ve built walls: a fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain. I am a rock. I am an island.
Don’t talk of love. I’ve heard the words before. It’s sleeping in my memory. I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
(If I never loved I never would have cried.) I am a rock. I am an island.
I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor. Hiding in my room... safe within my womb... I touch no one and no one touches me....

I am a rock.
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.

Current Mood: contemplative

06:26 pm - life, what is it but a dream?

i woke up this morning to my therapist on my answering maching, wondering why i was late for my appointment. i fell asleep crying (again. arg. this has gotta stop, and soon!) this morning ('twas up late playing video games. i'm so 1987.), and thank god i was woken up, 'cos i was havin the worst nightmare i can remember for ages. or maybe ever.
(1) i lived in a schmancy high-rise condo but was evicted. no warning, no paperwork. they barricaded the door and changed the lock to one that no key forged could open. i had to climb in through the window to recover the remnants of my stuff.
(2) i got in a car accident on university ave (W bound, right after the split by UW, on the faster no-stop part), side-swiped by some beat-up, boxy, blue car driven by a late-20-something guy. i gathered up all important stuff in the car that i could carry -- well, more than i could carry -- including my camera; skates (3 pairs, even the scary ones -- the ones in which i busted my ankle); skate bag with pads, water bottle, ankle braces & bandages, athlete cream, workout clothes...; and (for some reason i can't grasp) a shitload of stuffed animals. i know there was other stuff, but that's what i can remember.
(2a) i was freaked 'cos i didn't have insurance info on me, but the other guy was cool with that. 'cos it was totally his fault.
(2b) i walked E down university, juggling my stuff, dropping much and stopping to pick it up
(3) i had some help from A but, as usual, it was helping me in that selfish-helping way. how people offer aid to fill their egos but don't really get what it is that the person needs and leave at times crucial to the person they're helping (but when it's too much of a bother to keep helping or something better comes along.) and leaves that person in a lurch, feeling more helpless than before and wondering why they ever thought the person actually wanted to offer aid or care or compassion, or if they know how to do so for reasons other than boosting their own sense of self. (i mean, would you rather someone help because it makes them feel like they aren't shit, or because they give a shit?)
(4) random derby girls showed up to help. no faces that i can remember. that was comforting.
(5) my car wasn't in the tow lot. it was in the lot of a schmancy hotel. one where, conveniently, the Oscars were being held. (in Madison. yes, in Madison. and, yes, this has happened in other dreams...) and the crowd was so bad that i couldn't find it.
(6) enter: my parents. need i say more?
(7) with them: my country-club-grandparents. need i say more?
(8) i tried to explain to my folks what had happened, but my dad kept interrupting that he already knew. and then he filled me in that my condo was barricaded shut. (i didn't know that part yet.) AND somehow there was a fire (i feel like it was in the car, but that doesn't make as much sense for the next part), and my cat was killed in the fire.
(9) we had to shimmy up the side of the building to get stuff out of my condo. and i kept crying about my cat. and then i tried to figure out where i was gonna live. i figured i could maybe bunk with N or J until i found my own place again.
(10) my folks kept insisting that i (a) pack up my stuff to live with them up north, and (b) stop fussing about my lost home and stuff and dead cat -- and go eat a fancy dinner with them and my grandparents.
(11) all i wanted to do was sneak away and smoke a cigarette by myself and mourn and gather myself.
(12) i finally screamed something horrible in front of the grandparents (my parents loved that) and sneaked away.
(13) i decided i needed to make some phone calls to figure out what i was gonna do. but my phone had barely any juice.
(14) call #1 was to N. conversation went like this. me: "i can't talk. my phone's got no juice. but something horrible happened that i need to talk to you about. i'm gonna call later." n: (without a pause or question) "okay. call me when you can." hangup. (perfect.)
(15) call #2 was to J, also my cat's chosen second-owner and the only other person i know who loves him like a person rather than a cat. who knows him, y'know? me: "i can't talk. my phone's got no juice--" j: "--then why are you calling me? call me later." me: "wait--" too late. call again. me: "something horrible happened." j: "i don't wanna deal with this." (or something like that, ala "i'm not gonna bail you out.") me: "eliot's dead!" j: "okay. call me later when your phone has juice. i guess i'll help." (what the?...)

i think that's it.
i feel like i'm missing some bits here and there, but that's the gist. usually it takes a lot of effort for me to try to make sense of my dreams, but this one hit the mark in a lot of ways. i think. i dunno. what the hell are dreams, anyway?

Current Mood: curious

12:11 pm - vaguely familiar

cried last night. first time in so long. i don't know what happened. and i do. fuck. i have a plethora of pill bottles surrouding me -- vitamins, that is. i can't seem to get my legs moving to get me out to the farmers market. is it just the hormones? is my murphy's law summer finally catching up with me? why do i feel things with such intensity?

why can't i clean?

the layers. all those layers... the things uncovered, the items that mean nothing yet i can't bear to look at them. i can't put them away, because they have no place in my home, in my life. but i can't throw them away. what do you do when all the piles of garbage are your biography?

i hate "never"

i hate "nothing"

i hate YOU -- but i know you'll never read this.

and it's not like anything's wrong. med levels are good. all of that is fine. all of that is GREAT.
so what the hell?

i hate "never"
i hate "nothing"

LIVELY: live, vile, yell, veil, evil, ... words calm me. words trap me. i want to live one day void of words. just one day.

there's nothing i hate more than nothing. nothing keeps me up at night. i toss and turn over nothing. nothing could cause a great big fight. don't tell me nothing; i don't wanna know.

(don't tell me nothing i don't wanna know?)

if i don't leave for the farmers market soon, i never will. maybe i'll bring my camera. maybe i'll pretend i have money. maybe i'll pretend everything's okay. but it is. everything's okay. everything's gonna be okay. everything's okay.

Current Mood: lonely

01:04 am - oh the humanity

it's strange how people can surprise you. constantly. for good, for bad. who among us doesn't have an ever-growing list of "what was i thinking?!" or "i should've known s/he was..." and on and on... I despise those regrets that nauseate, but without them would I receive the pleasant surprises, the "who would've thought s/he would...", the instances where true colors are shown -- and they're vibrant rather than mud. i used to think i have high standards. that i expected too much from people. but, really, i don't. all i expect is for people to be people, for humans to show humanity, for others to do unto me what i'd do for them. maybe i'm willing to offer more than the average bear. maybe the majority of people i know are selfish assholes. maybe i'm *that* tragic hero. maybe i'm just a buncha buncha blahblahblah.

i like getting good letters in the mail. teeny pics are neat.

there's an art to letter-writing. in this age of email, is it getting lost? some got it, some don't, and the rest don't got it either.

my ankle hurts. whiskey helps. yay, whiskey. and thank god that other med ordeal is basically done with. basically. well, it won't ever be O-V-E-R... that's one thing i've learned; however, the bulk is done. wish it weren't such a blind spot for some. but i can drink again, i can get off the couch again, i can be part of the world again. that's nice. the world is nice. or so i'm told. it's been too long since i've been an active member.

i'm gaining weight. i should be pleased. i am. and not.
i'm happy. and i'm not.
i'm doing grrrreat. and i'm not.
i'm this close to writing an uber-angst teen-esque poem. but i won't.
i like roller skating. my ankle's healing. i wanna get wheels attached to the soles of my feet.

i wish buffy were still on tv. not a wish that it had continued beyond season 7, but just that i had a weekly dosage of buffy to which i could look forward. i miss that. at times, it could be excruciating (is giles the first???) but oh so wonderful, too.

there are calls i need to make. but it's just not a good idea to call in those wee a.m. hours.
recently i've had the odd desire to buy a real cheerleading skirt. in which i shall workout.
i skate, therefore i am.

and i still think joan of arc was a vampire slayer.
(maybe that's why buffy chose the name 'joan'.)

Current Mood: blah

08:02 pm - quiz fun

Your IQ Is 140

Your Logical Intelligence is Genius Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

You are

Current Mood: gloomy

11:40 pm

i think joan of arc was a vampire slayer.

it's the olny rational explanation.

Current Mood: woohoo!